JAMAICAN ME CRAZY

In honor of November, national Jamaican month:

Jamaican Tour Guide

Empowerment Scene From Cool Runnings

Chinese English Class Reenacts Scene From COOL RUNNNNNINGS

PARTY ANIMALS

I, like so many Americans, Kenyan women with televisions, and Pakistani children trying to eat cardboard cut-outs of Barack Obama, reacted to his presidential win last Wednesday night with tears.  I was on the streets when hundreds of strangers leapt from their windows to hug, massage, caress, compliment, and milk each other, bellowing “OBAMA! OBAMA!”  in joy usually reserved for Total Request Live.  In many ways, this celebration sounded like the finale to a suspenseful sporting event. Maybe the wrap party to a most popular sit-com, either Friends or Frasier. Maybe the sound of a band of Jews worshipping a golden calf, or those same Jews pressed tightly together, salivating, on the plush red carpet of an awards show. 

Unlike all of those perfect people, though, I have a chip missing. The world was changing at that very moment, and I hate public parties. At my Bat Mitzvah, my more developed friends tried to make out with boys while I clapped as the party facilitators led the electric slide among slices of rainbow sherbet ice cream cake. My friends' puberty ruined the party, I was self-alienated for months, and I believe that because of this catastrophe I still hover somewhere between girl and woman, some creepy oversized boy-woman with small hands, small feet, but a big appetite for simple carbohydrates and capture-the-flag. I almost didn’t attend my friend Sara Benjamin’s 10^th birthday, a custard-making party, because my mom cut my fingernails too short.  I will not attend a celebration unless there is a pet present. That way, I don’t have to interact with the humans.

And so, on the eve of St. O’bama’s day, I convulsed and cried. I dry heaved repressed joy. I averted eye contact with these electoral loony-pies, rattled in my sensitive, irritable bowel syndrome-ridden gut, and retreated to my apartment to drink a therapeutic juicebox of coconut water and look at photographs of myself on my computer, in my series entitled “Faces,” wherein a take a picture of my face during particularly emotional moments and then later try to reminisce about how terrible I felt. I was in bed by 11:30. I got out of bed at 11:35 to shut my window; outside, history kept getting louder and more fun.

Does this mean I don’t care about poor, hungry, unemployed people, like the family in the Obama infomercial that can make a piece of string cheese and a hardboiled egg last an entire week?  Does this mean I don’t care about old black ladies whose dads were slaves being able to elect a black man for president? Or that I had to look up when slavery ended because I wasn’t sure if old black ladies still alive today were once slaves themselves, which would make them at least 143 years old? Or 143 years young? I know Africa is a continent, the Navajo Nations are not part of Nafta, and a shoe is an article of clothing, but do I genuinely care about anything other than myself? And what would Carrie Bradshaw say?

In the days following the election of our selfless president and the effervescent passion of so many selfless people, I debated whether or not to get a haircut. A trim, really. And I discovered that I’m not selfish, I’m just self-interested, which means that I get to pick what I care about. 

What matters to me isn’t reality – the everyday things that improve most people’s lives – but rather the upper-middle class seat of privilege that one inherits from their parents’ hard work, the enabler of the fantastic, glorified reality. Picture an angel perched on heaven’s pearly clouds, drinking a can of Diet Coke Lime Twist after spinning class. You can see a lot from this view, and most of your news comes from the Huffington Post: Photoblogs of Barack and Michelle pressed close to each other, his shiny black suit friticious against her sassy red dress, their intelligent, keen, innovative, moral, wise, sultry bodies forming the shape of a heart. Or blogs filled with animal lovers offering their insights for the Obama’s new dog, a metaphor for the nation: rescued, mixed, and hypoallergenic – perhaps a schnauzer, a lihasa apsu, a Samoyed, a golden doodle, or anything named Maverick. Isn’t it funny how sincere people can be? And how about that video of Obama, in swishy black warm-ups and a baseball cap, dropping Sasha and Malia off at school, giving each of them not one but two kisses on the check? Or the three hour dinner he and Michelle enjoyed, their first night out after the election, at Spiagga, approximately 18 minutes from their home on Lakeshore Drive. I love it! I love trying to guess what he ate for dinner – probably a Caesar salad and penne ala vodka. And I love that my guesses can be confirmed by some news source with a giant magnifying lens and/or telescope protruding from the lobster tank. 

He might be an idol, a savior, a change-maker, a hero, whatever, but to me, he’s a real person doing real things, and that means I can assign any type of neuroses to him that I want, thanks to the internet and people like me using it in caves all over the world. That is my constitutional right. 

I can’t wait for the first presidential bowel movement.

BARACK OBAMA POST-CHAMPIONSHIP PHOTO ESSAY

It was an inspiring day for everyone as I went to bed at 11:30, having a sixth sense wherein I can predict news and can imagine every possible human encounter without needing to actually experience it. In this way, I can stay in my home and order everything from PinkDot and HomeGrocer, while staying up-to-date (without going on any) vis-a-vis websites that I collect.

Here:

CELEBRATION FROM AROUND THE WORLD

It is a beautiful day as Pakistani children make a snack out of a cardboard Obama.

The festivities continue as some fun Kenyan ladies do the wave.

And soldiers in Afghanistan take rotating shifts on television-watch duties.

LOVERS IN LOVE

What makes marriage work? "A sense of humor, listening, and 'never get so mad you forget why you love them.'" Advice for everyone, really, including pets.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun...and yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare. -- W. Shakepeas

More realistically, Barack is wishing that the microphone was a popsicle, in which case he would probably eat it because popsicles are pretty good.

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." -- Muhammad Ali

"Give me some dap." -- Kevin, Lincoln Middle School Parks & Rec.

Their bodies form the shape of a heart.

Bringing people together non-sexually as well. Also without discrimination as to how individuals choose to clothe themselves (i.e. sophisticated elderwoman in salmon-roe colored skirt suit.) Michelle clasps hands as Barack waves to people he's recently emailed/text messaged. His thumbs must be tired!

And inspiring Oprah, looking as powerful as mitochondria in a canary yellow throw.  See Oprah this week on 30 Rock.

As the campaign unfolds, we will be sure to constantly look at the internet and cut and paste photographs from other websites onto this page. In the meantime, check out Beyonce's new music video to "If I Were A Boy." It's not as exciting as it sounds because Beyonce does not actually wish she were a boy. Instead of worrying, let the music video tell you a story. "Wow," you'll say. "What if I or even Beyonce were a boy?"

GUEST BLOG: DINOS GALORE SHARES SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT

QUESTION: WHAT IS THE NATURE OF THE GHOST? WHAT IS YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE WITH THE SUPERNATURAL? HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOUR READING?

I do believe in ghosts and aliens. It is taken as a joke today in society, which in my opinion is awful. I used to be skeptical about aliens, but after watching many shows on the history channel and the discovery channel, it changed my opinion greatly. Many astronauts and former navy/army members have come out publicly and let the public know that the government is trying to hide the truth. That to me is one of the worst parts about it. I don't understand why they need to keep it as top secret information.  I think that they should let the public know what is out there. Maybe they don't need to show all their evidence, just letting the public know the truth. 

I personally have never had experience with aliens, but I hope to someday. I find the topic very interesting. I do find it very strange to think that there are others out there in the universe. I do believe in ghosts as well, but not as much as aliens. I think that sometimes there are ghosts when I hear things or see something move without anyone being there. Ghosts to me, is somewhat of a fantasy type thing. More unrealistic than aliens. This affects my reading because I can't take it serious with the ghost being in the story. I just think that ghosts are somewhat of a made up thing, unlike aliens. 

THANK YOU DINOS GALORE FOR SHARING YOUR EDUCATIONAL ASSIGNMENTS WITH US! WE (THE INTERNET) LOOK FORWARD TO FUTURE COLLABORATIONS!!

RAP THE VOTE (LIKE ROCK THE VOTE, ONLY WITH RAP)

I ALSO GOT A TEXT MESSAGE FROM BARACK OBAMA AND AN EMAIL FROM JOE BIDEN. AND I SAW A DACHSHUND THAT LOOKED LIKE A WEIMERAMER.

DEAR READERS, (MY MOM MY DAD (WHEN I EMAIL THEM THIS LINK)AND PEOPLE WHO ACCIDENTLY SEE THIS PAGE),

THE REASON I HAVEN'T BEEN BLOGGING LATELY IS BECAUSE WHO CARES. YOU CAN GET YOUR NEWS SOMEWHERE ELSE. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHY I STARTED A BLOG. MAYBE IT WAS TO POST PICTURES OF MYSELF, BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN DOING THAT. 

WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING THEN, LOYAL READER, I ASK MYSELF? 

1) I BOUGHT A BED. 

2) I TOOK APART A BED.

3) I GOT INTO BED.

4) I STAYED IN BED.

5) I ATE A SNACK, PROBABLY MADE OF DESSERT.

I BOUGHT A MICROPHONE, A BACKPACK, AN IPOD, A TABLE, TWO CHAIRS, I FOUND A BOOKSHELF, I BROKE A DESK AND THEN MADE IT WORK, I RAISED THE PRICE, I THREW UP, I ALMOST SUFFOCATED FROM BEING UNCONSCIOUS WITH A HEADACHE, I GOT THE MAN TO PUT IN A FIRE ALARM, I COOKED, AND ALL THE MEANWHILE MILKY MY STUFFED WHITE BEAR READ TO ME FROM HIS OWN BLOG, RENDERING MY NEED TO WRITE MY OWN NOT NECESSARY. THEN I GOT HOLES IN MY BRAIN THAT LOOK LIKE PIE WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES. IF YOU HAVE ANY RESPONSES TO THIS POST, IE IF YOU RELATE, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO CLICK THE LINK AND TYPE THE KEYS. 

MY EXCELLENT BROTHER

BARACK OBAMA STAND-UP COMEDY

ENOUGH SAID.

PIPER PALIN SPEAKS

The youngest daughter of presumptive Republican VP Sarah Palin is "sick and tired" of being overlooked, according to comments she made to The Media on Wednesday night at the RNC in St. Paul, MN.

According to sources, 6-year old Piper sucked her thumb and shook her head as her mother refused to answer any questions that might reveal the ludicrousness of her nomination vis-a-vis what is called, in the political sphere, 'unscripted talking'. Piper's ears perked up, however, when Palin stopped in her moose tracks and responded to one reporter, a fellow 'Alaskian,' regarding her future attention to her home state, the fear of losing her as governor, etc. To use a political term, typical 'separation-anxiety.' Palin's response grabbed our attention, as well as Piper's: "No I'm happy to be governor of Alaska, couldn't be more proud, of course, of my position as governor of Alaska." Now, substitute the word "mother" for "governor" and "my children" for "Alaska" and see what happens. That's right: Palin is suddenly defending her role as attentive mother, the very same role she and the GOP claim make her a more qualified vice presidential candidate than Barack Obama. At least this is what Piper claims, and, unlike her mother, we're listening.

Add to this the image during Palin's acceptance speech on Wednesday night of Piper spit-shining her baby brother Trig's head. (Aside: the baby is named Trig due to husband Todd's incredible capacity for all areas of, as calls it, "The Maths," or as others call it, "Baby-Making.") This disturbing image offers a peak into the private life of the Palin clan: Mamma Bear leaves her cubs alone in the den, forcing her baby cubs to act as primary caregivers to the bald newborns. Perhaps this would swim in other non-manmade circles of rapidly melting ice caps, but not for Piper, known for doing cartwheels when no one is watching, a soft spot for the "mom-colored" gummy bears (paging Dr. Freud!), scribbling with crayons in a super-private journal while glancing around with shifty eyes, and her resemblance to what we might imagine to be a young version of Hollywood superstar Julia Roberts' character KIki in the also much overlooked film "America's Sweethearts," also starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and John Cusack, brother of Joan Cusack. Roberts, offering comments from her own blog based in Taos, NM, writes: "I'm no psychotherapist, but it appears that the child's extreme animal behaviour is an attempt to gain her mother's affections by mirroring that which she has historically observed in her mother, notorious for 3 a.m. moose hunts and secret games of Uno with aristocratic Inuit children, among other easily parodied things. As a mother myself, I'm forced to ask Danny, Why is no one making this child chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast?"

Other sources tell us that, like her older sister Thistle, the 6 year-old has considered premarital intercourse and teen pregnancy as a means to both fill holes in her life and to garner attention. The early bird got the worm on that one, but Thistle will allow Piper to select a middle name. (Top choices include: Mom, Mother, and Ima, Israeli for both Mom and Mother.)

Piper herself spoke to The Media in person rather than via blog, while playing with her Tomagotchi, the latest craze in isolated-yet-cosmopolitan, behind-yet-ahead-of-the-curve-if-a-curve-is-a-straight-line Alaska (Todd's mathematical reasoning). When the child was asked the whereabouts of her infant brother Trig, yet to grant The Media an interview, Piper shouted back with a fiery burst of temper, "Am I my brother's keeper?" Then she fed a quick snack to her Tomagotchi, which is roughly the same age as Trig. While looking down at the small plastic electronic egg with one eye, she turned the other upwards and spun it around, remarking, "I have needs, too!" Her nanny then placed a single meatball in her palm. Piper licked her hand and smoothed out its hair.

FROZEN YOGURT DIATRIBE

SOME OF YOU HATERS OUT THERE DON'T EVEN LIKE FROZEN YOGURT BC YOU SAY IT'S NOT A REAL DESERT. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE; AND YOU ARE WHACK.

SOME OF YOU EAT ANY FROZEN YOGURTS YOU FIND ON THE GROUND. TASTE BUDS NEED STYLE; YOU ARE ALSO WHACK BUT NOT AS MUCH, JUST MEDIUM-WHACK. IF FROZEN YOGURT HAD THE STREET CRED THAT OTHER DAIRY DESSERTS DO, THE ANTY WOULD BE UPPED AND WE WOULD NOT SUFFER THE PAINFUL TEARFUL DISAPPOINTMENT OF SUB-PAR SUB-ZERO DAIRY DESSERTS.

I arrive at the trigger point of my frustration. IF YOU ARE A LOS ANGELINO THEN PAY ATTENTION RIGHT HERE. I'm talking about Penguin's vs. The Big Chill (don't even get me started on TCBY actually maybe it's better than The Big Chill and THAT'S NOT saying much). Penguin's, aka The Penguin, aka "Are you getting the penguin?" knows how to do it just right, with a creamy texture that defies standard fro-yo fare. It's not milky, it's not chalky, definitely not icy or slushy like that shit that melts too slow or too fast. Penguin's melts just right. That's why I go there, and because the COOKIES 'N CREAM is the bomb. Flashback to tonight, when I arrive all hyped up and this man, Mr. Penguin, tells me that they have Irish Mint on Sundays instead of my dear lover cookies 'n cream and now I can't make love to my frozen yogurt with a spoon and a cup. I quickly evaluate my options and head across the street to my future regret, The Big Chill. (Side note: people in LA must be giant idiots because The Big Chill is always crowded even though Penguins is better, I'm not the only one who thinks so, my parents' friends who have kids who my babysitter used to babysit at my house but who really took naps and had us do it agrees: too big portions, $$$$$$$, and painstakingly mediocre texture, and texture is #1 in any Afficianado's Book of Anything.) Welp, The Big Chill has cookies n' cream, i get it, and it sucks balls. It's all the things 3rd world country frozen yogurt is: icy, milky, melty, like Souplantation, like a buffet or a fraud. It's terrible, unless of course you're simply grateful to have any frozen yogurt at all, which I'm not. It must be the best, it must be the bomb, it must hit my tongue like an otherworldly ineffable custard that I would adopt and hence later bed, and even later create and name a perfume after, named COOKIES ET CREME, in a mad ecstatic burst of creativity, also named COOKIES ET CREME. Is it so wrong to wish and hope and die for those kinds of experiences in life? Is it so wrong to be disappointed when you don't get them? Isn't this what being a patriot is all about? Irish Mint on Sunday? Excuse me, but I thought this was America. The afterburp tastes better than the actual frozen yogurt. That is not a selling point on Earth.

When things of this magnitude happen to us -- in any life situation where dessert isn't as good as we want it to be, and thus we feel we've wasted a dessert -- the healthy thing to do is express your anger in a blog. If you don't have one, open one up on the internet. If you do have one, but it's about knitting or polar bears melting or bathroom tiles, then start one, even if it's just for a few hours. If you have a blog, quit humdrumpling about the next idea to change the world (soft-serve self-serve yarn, duh) and blog about something severe for once in a day. People all over the world need to hear about awful shit like this so that we can shut down The Big Chill and stop them making bad frozen yogurt.

Tonight I will try to sleep, but I'm not sure I can. Aristotle said it right: Man is a political animal. Tonight I found the politics in me.

Little Gold Statues

Billy Crystal's opening monologue at this year's Oscars in Beijing. 

I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed choreographing it.

Fascinating Fastening

Stranger Than Paradise: Choking the Alligator; Dancing Cats

BIRD STORIES

don't make it a habit

jimmy fallon and parker posey drink pepsi

THE WAY OF THE WORLD

Interestingly enough, the latest poll has determined that 2 people take naps and 1 person does not. Even more fascinating, perhaps, is the finding that no one doesn't not understand what it means to be asked whether one does or does not take a nap. It pleases me to be able to present this wide and broad audience with such information, which I'm sure we can all find application for in our day-to-day comings-and-goings with friends, co-workers, and lovers alike. 

100 VIEWS!

100 VIEWS!

100 VIEWS!

 

If you have a habit of giving up, you must try even harder to go on.

You can use your lumin brain for this.

You can go outside and reach for something and keep walking until you grab it, with the extendable hook arm you keep in your secret pocket. 

More on this l8r.

2 YES 2 NEW BLOGGIES

Wow! It's only Sunday and already the Internet has really taken off! Somebody! Somebody! Tell the Internet it can take a vacation!!! Really!

That's the problem. It can't. If it does, what will blogs eat?

This person is a master of chemistry in all the best ways! (think romanctically)

ONE LITTLE BLOGGIE

This person got her tongue cut out by a snake! Damn!

TWO LITTLE BLOGGIE

Two beauties. Please support the arts.

THE PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

Every month, VANITY FAIR asks a different celebrity the questions known as THE PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE, but she didn't invent it.  Who did? Who cares.  The only reason Jennifer Anniston even knows about the questionnaire is because of the man Proust himself, who is not a famous psychologist, as you probably thought while reading VANITY FAIR on the toilet until you were 15, at which point you switched to "Remembrance of Things Past." In fact, Proust played this party game at his friend's Bat Mitzvah when he was 13 and then again when he got his braces off at the polished age of 20.  (People lived longer then, so 20 was still 'young,' though not cool.) To see Proust's original answers, drive your horse and carriage to this link:

MARCEL PROUST HAS BABY: NAMES IT "JOIE DE VIVRE"

Then, QUESTIONNAIRE yourself, put it in a time capsule, and become famous in 7 years. Here's what to ask yourself, if you want to do it right:

1. What is your favorite virtue?

2. What are your favorite qualities in a man?

3. What are you favorite qualities in a woman?

4. What is your chief characteristic?

5. What do you appreciate most in your friends?

6. What is your main fault?

7. What is your favorite occupation? (hobby, habit, etc.)

8. What is your idea of happiness?

9. What is your idea of misery?

10. If you weren't yourself, who should you like to be?

11. Where would you like to live?

12. What is your favorite color and flower?

13. Who is your favorite prose author?

14. Who is your favorite poet?

15. Who are your favorite heroes in fiction?

16. Who are your favorite painters and composers?

17. Who are your heroes in real life?

18. What characters in history do you most dislike?

19. Who are your heroes in world history?

20. What is your favorite food or drink?

21. What are your favorite names?

22. What do you hate the most?

23. What is the military event you most admire?

24. What is the reform you most admire?

25. What is the natural talent you'd most like to have?

26. How would you like to die?

27. What is your present state of mind?

28. For what fault have you most toleration?

29. What is your motto?

Now you know yourself a little better. It's so worthwhile. You can do it on your friends, your grandparents, on dates, at parties when everyone is mad boring, or even use it as a crutch in a piece of fiction you're writing. Or, be creative! Waiters, zookeepers, the Good Humor man, or anyone else terribly mysterious and mildly beckoning for seduction.  It's a lot less creepy than astrology because it almost sounds like regular-talky people.

If you get some tasty morsels in response, post them here. You'll basically become a celebrity because a lot of people post on and read this blog. Celebrity is a state of mind, if a state of mind is all about visibility. Capiche? 

MIRANDA JULY SNIPPETS AND CLIPS

A Shape Called Horse

Are You Anybody's Favorite Person?

Blonde Redhead

Someone else named Miranda singing a song about how beets grow on trees

THIS JUST IN:

DR. DACTYL, SET TO GUESTBLOG ON MONSTER HABITS, WATCHED THIS MORNING WITH TEARY EYES AS HIS VERY OWN BLOG HATCHED FROM A RATHER LARGE EGG. AFTER THE HATCHING, HE REACHED HIS FULL ARM INTO THE UTERUS AND PULLED OUT...

DINOGALORE.BLOGSPOT.COM

"THIS IS AS OFFICIAL AS A REFEREE WITH A WHISTLE. THIS BLOG IS GONNA GIVE YOU THE DAILY SCOOP-DI-SCOOP ON THE BASIC NECESSITIES OF LIFE: CARS. FASHION, MUSIC. BELIEVE IT OR LEAVE IT, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT."

WITH A TONGUE LIKE THAT, WHO NEEDS SPOONS?

HINTS FOR TRAVELERS: JAPAN

Here are some helpful hints on how to best behave while exploring the Far East, brought to you straight from the jaw of MONSTER HABITS' travel correspondent, LADY SNOOK.

While in Tokyo, be sure to never ever blow your nose in public. It is seen as extremely rude and dirty. The people there are very, very, very, very helpful and kind, so be sure to let them know how much you appreciate everything they have done. When thanking people, make sure to bow your head a little. If you're not sure what we are describing here, you will see many people do it in the first 30 seconds of being in the country, and you will catch on quickly.

The drive from the airport into Tokyo is rather long, so don't worry. When you exit the taxi, don't close the door -- the taxi driver has a creepy claw that he uses to do that for you. 

Things there are very expensive for Americans these days, so beware. For example, melons sometimes cost 210 US dollars because they are given as gifts. You should definitely go to the fist market, and get there early, like 7 am. At the fish market, there is a woman selling rice triangles wrapped in seaweed. You must try the soy sauce one. Actually, it is part of the requirement list for a trip to the Far East, so you HAVE to try one. Eat some mochi, and explore the bottom floor of the department stores. They are supermarkets filled with the most delicious things you could ever imagine. 

We can't talk about Tokyo without talking about Hariuku. YOU MUST GO. If you're there on a Sunday, deeeeeeeeeeefinitely go to Harijuku. It's also good on all of the other days of the week, but amazing on Sunday. That's all we will tell you about it. 

In closing, the subway is easy, the pastries are amazing (you might need pants with an elastic waist), and the people are the kindest we've ever met. Stay clean, be very grateful and overly thankful, and people will love you, although that is important for life in general.  Have fun! 

One love,

THE SNOOK

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HABITUALLY FUNNY

VISUAL RESOURCES FOR MODEL HABITS POLL

 TYSON BECKFORD

AMANDA MOORE, SUPERMODEL

CARMEN KASS, ESTONIAN

AGYNESS DEYN, CELEBRITY LOOKALIKE

NOT TYSON BECKFORD

MODEL HABITS, MODERN TIMES

I was recently on holiday and got to thinking about how being beautiful is a habit placed on those people whom we, as a society, deem 'attractive.'  By this I mean celebrities, the ones in the public eye who also have dazzling, sparking, effervescent eyes like gems set in crystal set in a glass of champagne.  You see, I saw a few of these celebrities. They are really just regular people who have regular habits, plus the additional PLUSH HABIT of being beautiful.  

I ate a mushy sub-par strawberry macaroon while chatting with Germany's Top Model while she ate a toothpick of tropical fruit.  I drank white wine like it was juice; she sipped on crisp champagne.  She wore lipstick and so did my mom.  We both speak alright English, it being our seventh language, discounting an ancient form of Jazzy Finger-Snapping that is now only read in university. That's pretty much where the similarities end.  Therefore, because I talked to a model, this edition of MONSTER H's will focus on MODEL HABITS.

There are lots of boring things we can say about models, as is our habit as regular people.  Instead, let's try to shine some positivity onto the world and talk about how great they are.  This is a list of top models and their most prestigious habits:

• Tyson Beckford: the music video to "Unbreak My Heart," in particular the shower scene and the fact that he rides a motorcycle. Ya'all knows what I'm talkin bout''!

• Amanda Moore: she demands that papparazzis say her name before snapping pictures of her, used to play basketball and drive a pick-up truck, once punched a man (i.e. what is known in the business as "a tough girl")

• Carmen Cass: habit of looking like Kaehlin from ANTM Cycle 3

• Agyness Deyn: habit of looking like Mia Kirschner, aka Jenny from The L Word Cycle 4 (short hair phase)

These are really all of the models I know. And by that I mean, "These are really all of the models I know personally." These are, personally, all of the models I really know.  Really know.  I have a habit of pretending to know things and then, when it comes down to it, failing miserably. Also the habit of getting really down on myself. And not believing I'll ever be as sassy as Tyra Banks or as brassy as Kathy Lee Griffin, or as pert as Mia Hamm and that shampoo/conditioner commercial. 

The truth, as either Christina Aguilera or PRESCRIPTION H put it, is that we are all beautiful, no matter what models say, and  IMG  can't bring us down. Sorry Tommy Mottola.  We're regular, and we're here to stay.

GUEST SPEAKER PRESCRIPTION H

Can You Become A Creature of New Habits? This is the question that has been tearing up the NYTimes' most-emailed list for the past week (after holding on to the top spot for a couple of days it is now at #16 -- clearly many businessmen and your roomates' mothers think that you need new habits.) Here are some quick facts:

• The article is about 1,000 words long.
  
• The first word in the article is "HABITS."
  
• The article is written by Janet Rae-Dupree.
  
• Janet Rae-Dupree writes about science and emerging technology in Silicon Valley.
  
• This article appears in the Business column "UNBOXED."
  
• The name "UNBOXED" is clearly biased against habits (and boxes) and the habit-practicing community.
  

Now that we are on our way, let me introduce myself. I am PRESCRIPTION H, and I am a big fan of habits. I read this article last week on my laptop (as is my wont) thinking that it would be a great source of new and exciting habits and places to find them. Instead, it's really about learning new THINGS, not new habits. This is different, you see. And, more alarmingly, it encourages readers of the Grey Lady to discard their old habits! I know, very disappointing. Feel free to read it, if you want, but be warned: it is filled with businessy new-age mumbo jumbo about what type of "learner" you are and how to lose weight by listening to a new radio station.

After you are finished reading it, or right now, check out some of these especially recommended habits:

• Coffee drinking
  
• Fingernail chewing
  
• Electrons orbiting a nucleus
  
• Punctuation
  
• Gravity
  
• Hats
  
• Chirping
  
• Saving change
  
• Thinking about your habits
  
• Magazine subscriptions
  

Note that the last habit is potentially a DOUBLE HABIT, in that (1) your magazine will habitually arrive in set periods of time and then (2) you will read it as part of your habit of reading magazines at coffee shops while chewing your fingernails. There is not time or space to discuss the certainly mind-blowing potentials of DOUBLE HABITS now, so we will shelve it for a later date (as is our wont, starting now).

So try out some of these new habits, or at least think about them. Who knows, you may already be habitually using punctuation or corresponding to the law of gravity! But don't discard any old habits; merely add these to your library. Your habits, dear reader, are beautiful, and they are what make YOU beautiful.

habitus et unum,

PRESCRIPTION H

INTRODUCTION TO HABITS PART II

If we really get right down to the crux of it, it becomes obvious that habits are simply things repeated over

time and space.

Stripes are a habit, as are Scottish plaid and the design that the Oreos make in a black and white milkshake.

Tessellations -- pictures where a mouse eats the same piece of cheese over and over again and again -- are also habits.  

Provided are a few examples for visual learners.

Habits also appear in art:

Rainman, Dustin Hoffman

always eating fishsticks

(as seen above)

Moneymaker, by Ludacris 

"I'm at the top of my game/

You want my hands from the bottom to the top of your frame/

And I just want to take a little ride on your curves/

And get erotic giving your body just what it deserves./

Now let me give you some swimming lessons on the p**is/

Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius"

One Art, by Elizabeth Bishop

"The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

of love) I shan't have lied. It's evident 

the art of losing's not hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster."

UPCOMING:

ANIMAL HABITS

 (puppies, kittens, penguins, horses, pigeons, and open to suggestions)

GUEST BLOGGER PRESCRIPTION H RESPONDS TO NY TIMES ARTICLE AND EXPLAINS THINGS WE DON'T KNOW WHILE AT THE SAME TIME ADDING OTHER THINGS TO THE LIST

INTRODUCTION TO HABITS

It is important to accept one's habits.  

I like to take pictures of my injuries, especially if they're bloody. Others might consider this a hobby or an activity that I enjoy (i.e. a hobby), and others after them might just call it a thing, but it's a habit.  There is no judgment in that statement. 

Habits are neither good nor bad; they just 'are,' in the same way that nosebleeds 'is'. 

If you want to keep your eyes out for some real good habits, here are the Monster's recs:

1) Drivers-Side Nosepickers
2) People Who Pick Their Scalp and Then Eat It (PWPTSATEI, like the tribe)
3) People Who Talk to Their Food
4) Nervousness
5) Salespeople offering discounts

This short list is intended to create a forum for open discussion. 

As you go about your day or your night, remember to keep your mind thinking constantly about your own habits and the habits of others. Then release yourself from those thoughts in this accepting community.