FROZEN YOGURT DIATRIBE

SOME OF YOU HATERS OUT THERE DON'T EVEN LIKE FROZEN YOGURT BC YOU SAY IT'S NOT A REAL DESERT. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE; AND YOU ARE WHACK.

SOME OF YOU EAT ANY FROZEN YOGURTS YOU FIND ON THE GROUND. TASTE BUDS NEED STYLE; YOU ARE ALSO WHACK BUT NOT AS MUCH, JUST MEDIUM-WHACK. IF FROZEN YOGURT HAD THE STREET CRED THAT OTHER DAIRY DESSERTS DO, THE ANTY WOULD BE UPPED AND WE WOULD NOT SUFFER THE PAINFUL TEARFUL DISAPPOINTMENT OF SUB-PAR SUB-ZERO DAIRY DESSERTS.

I arrive at the trigger point of my frustration. IF YOU ARE A LOS ANGELINO THEN PAY ATTENTION RIGHT HERE. I'm talking about Penguin's vs. The Big Chill (don't even get me started on TCBY actually maybe it's better than The Big Chill and THAT'S NOT saying much). Penguin's, aka The Penguin, aka "Are you getting the penguin?" knows how to do it just right, with a creamy texture that defies standard fro-yo fare. It's not milky, it's not chalky, definitely not icy or slushy like that shit that melts too slow or too fast. Penguin's melts just right. That's why I go there, and because the COOKIES 'N CREAM is the bomb. Flashback to tonight, when I arrive all hyped up and this man, Mr. Penguin, tells me that they have Irish Mint on Sundays instead of my dear lover cookies 'n cream and now I can't make love to my frozen yogurt with a spoon and a cup. I quickly evaluate my options and head across the street to my future regret, The Big Chill. (Side note: people in LA must be giant idiots because The Big Chill is always crowded even though Penguins is better, I'm not the only one who thinks so, my parents' friends who have kids who my babysitter used to babysit at my house but who really took naps and had us do it agrees: too big portions, $$$$$$$, and painstakingly mediocre texture, and texture is #1 in any Afficianado's Book of Anything.) Welp, The Big Chill has cookies n' cream, i get it, and it sucks balls. It's all the things 3rd world country frozen yogurt is: icy, milky, melty, like Souplantation, like a buffet or a fraud. It's terrible, unless of course you're simply grateful to have any frozen yogurt at all, which I'm not. It must be the best, it must be the bomb, it must hit my tongue like an otherworldly ineffable custard that I would adopt and hence later bed, and even later create and name a perfume after, named COOKIES ET CREME, in a mad ecstatic burst of creativity, also named COOKIES ET CREME. Is it so wrong to wish and hope and die for those kinds of experiences in life? Is it so wrong to be disappointed when you don't get them? Isn't this what being a patriot is all about? Irish Mint on Sunday? Excuse me, but I thought this was America. The afterburp tastes better than the actual frozen yogurt. That is not a selling point on Earth.

When things of this magnitude happen to us -- in any life situation where dessert isn't as good as we want it to be, and thus we feel we've wasted a dessert -- the healthy thing to do is express your anger in a blog. If you don't have one, open one up on the internet. If you do have one, but it's about knitting or polar bears melting or bathroom tiles, then start one, even if it's just for a few hours. If you have a blog, quit humdrumpling about the next idea to change the world (soft-serve self-serve yarn, duh) and blog about something severe for once in a day. People all over the world need to hear about awful shit like this so that we can shut down The Big Chill and stop them making bad frozen yogurt.

Tonight I will try to sleep, but I'm not sure I can. Aristotle said it right: Man is a political animal. Tonight I found the politics in me.