The youngest daughter of presumptive Republican VP Sarah Palin is "sick and tired" of being overlooked, according to comments she made to The Media on Wednesday night at the RNC in St. Paul, MN.
According to sources, 6-year old Piper sucked her thumb and shook her head as her mother refused to answer any questions that might reveal the ludicrousness of her nomination vis-a-vis what is called, in the political sphere, 'unscripted talking'. Piper's ears perked up, however, when Palin stopped in her moose tracks and responded to one reporter, a fellow 'Alaskian,' regarding her future attention to her home state, the fear of losing her as governor, etc. To use a political term, typical 'separation-anxiety.' Palin's response grabbed our attention, as well as Piper's: "No I'm happy to be governor of Alaska, couldn't be more proud, of course, of my position as governor of Alaska." Now, substitute the word "mother" for "governor" and "my children" for "Alaska" and see what happens. That's right: Palin is suddenly defending her role as attentive mother, the very same role she and the GOP claim make her a more qualified vice presidential candidate than Barack Obama. At least this is what Piper claims, and, unlike her mother, we're listening.
Add to this the image during Palin's acceptance speech on Wednesday night of Piper spit-shining her baby brother Trig's head. (Aside: the baby is named Trig due to husband Todd's incredible capacity for all areas of, as calls it, "The Maths," or as others call it, "Baby-Making.") This disturbing image offers a peak into the private life of the Palin clan: Mamma Bear leaves her cubs alone in the den, forcing her baby cubs to act as primary caregivers to the bald newborns. Perhaps this would swim in other non-manmade circles of rapidly melting ice caps, but not for Piper, known for doing cartwheels when no one is watching, a soft spot for the "mom-colored" gummy bears (paging Dr. Freud!), scribbling with crayons in a super-private journal while glancing around with shifty eyes, and her resemblance to what we might imagine to be a young version of Hollywood superstar Julia Roberts' character KIki in the also much overlooked film "America's Sweethearts," also starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and John Cusack, brother of Joan Cusack. Roberts, offering comments from her own blog based in Taos, NM, writes: "I'm no psychotherapist, but it appears that the child's extreme animal behaviour is an attempt to gain her mother's affections by mirroring that which she has historically observed in her mother, notorious for 3 a.m. moose hunts and secret games of Uno with aristocratic Inuit children, among other easily parodied things. As a mother myself, I'm forced to ask Danny, Why is no one making this child chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast?"
Other sources tell us that, like her older sister Thistle, the 6 year-old has considered premarital intercourse and teen pregnancy as a means to both fill holes in her life and to garner attention. The early bird got the worm on that one, but Thistle will allow Piper to select a middle name. (Top choices include: Mom, Mother, and Ima, Israeli for both Mom and Mother.)
Piper herself spoke to The Media in person rather than via blog, while playing with her Tomagotchi, the latest craze in isolated-yet-cosmopolitan, behind-yet-ahead-of-the-curve-if-a-curve-is-a-straight-line Alaska (Todd's mathematical reasoning). When the child was asked the whereabouts of her infant brother Trig, yet to grant The Media an interview, Piper shouted back with a fiery burst of temper, "Am I my brother's keeper?" Then she fed a quick snack to her Tomagotchi, which is roughly the same age as Trig. While looking down at the small plastic electronic egg with one eye, she turned the other upwards and spun it around, remarking, "I have needs, too!" Her nanny then placed a single meatball in her palm. Piper licked her hand and smoothed out its hair.
1 comment:
HAMARTIA SCHMAMMARTIA
If America's Sweethearts has taught us anything, it's that the American public needs to feel that they are just as intelligent as the white trash we elect, lest we be forced to face the reality that most of us are too damn nescient to justify Nancy Pelosi wasting her time getting shitfaced at Boo Radley's redneck bar b-q. And of course, more importantly, that Catherine Zeta-Jones (Douglas) hates America.
The tragic flaw in American character that propels this 'tyranny of the majority' and foreshadows the fall of the Great American Empire is best explained by this poignant quotation from the Golden Globe nominated film Knotting Hill:
"Oh, le singe est là-bas. Regarde! Il est sur une bicyclette, il joue au banjo, il fume une pipe. Maintenant il arrête, il lit un journau, il lit un journau…I see…et maintenant il est dans l'autobus, dans l’autobus…il conduit l'autobus, and et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus. Il y a une bombe dans l'autobus. Il faut conduire l'autobus plus de cinquante kilomètres par l'heure, et Keanu Reeves, il arrive dans la voiture…il n'a pas de cheveux, et Jeff Daniels est déjà mort. Et regarde! Il essaie à se jette dans l'autobus. Et Dennis Hopper, oh, Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!
Brief tangent:
By the way, you cannot vote if you wear any Obama or McCain gear to the booth b/c it's considered "campaigning" and you can bet your ass they are going to actually enforce it this year.
Okay:
But in Palin's defense, she is NOT considered legally retarded in the state of Alaska or Utah.
AND
She is the only candidate who is not ignoring the giant elephant balloon in the room: while everyone is distracted by the islamification of Europe and hannah montana (i have no clue what that is. i keep asking and no one can tell me), Sarah shares my grief--the grief shared by all Westcoasters--over the yuppification of Santa Monica: a worldwide conspiracy to derail public access television, lower the purity of street drugs, trade burnt coffee for indentured servitude, and make shopping at banana republic a fucking event all of a sudden.
Life is a cookie.
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