UPDATE: FOODS I DESIRE

This is an updated list of foods that I would complete challenging tasks in order to be able to eat. These could be strenuous either physically, mentally, or emotionally. It doesn't matter really, because I would want to complete them anyway. 

1) waffles, plain or with strawberries and whipped cream

2) flour tortillas

3) pizza pie - plain cheese would be enough for this simple folk

4) pancakes doused in maple syrup - just a few silver dollars would satisfy

5) donuts - rainbow sprinkled cake donut, powdered with vanilla cream filling, and others that i can't think of because i haven't seen a donut in person in a year

6) shredded oat cereal combined with strawberry fields cereal with strawberries, banana, milk

7) manna bread with honey roasted peanut butter 

8) toasted english muffin with peanut butter and honey

9) toasted julian bread with almond butter and homemade mango jam with salt on top

10) sushi - specifically a spicy tuna roll, avocado roll, sweet potato tempura roll

11) chicken teriyaki dinner

12) in-n-out grilled cheese with fries stuffed in it and fries on the side and a vanilla milkshake

13) grilled cheese with ketchup and a pickle on the side (bagel nosh)

14) bagel with creamcheese

15) challah with peanut butter, challah with cream cheese, french toast challah with maple syrup

16) scrambled eggs

17) chicken tenders with ketchup and RANCH

18) sweet potato fries and a veggie burger from the counter with buttermilk RANCH and apricot dressing

19) hot meatball sandwich

20) tuna fish sandwich from the farms or bay cities, or homemade, or a tuna melt that's real hot and gooey

21) mudslide brownie/chocolate souffle cake with vanilla ice cream, fudge, whipped cream

22) a juicy fucking hamburger

23) croissant 

24) cornbread/corn muffin - this will kill me on thanksgiving

25) coleslaw/hot turkey sandwich on rye with coleslaw and russian dressing

26) english muffin with cottage cheese/cottage cheese with cinnamon and honey

27) granola

28) apple with honey/apple with peanut butter

29) macaronis and cheese

30) vanilla milkshake, coffee milkshake, oreo milkshake

31) penguin's oreo frozen yogurt WITH oreos on top

32) milk and oreos

33) carol beitcher's chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, oatmeal raisin out the oven cookies

34) jamba juice

35) breads

36) bite size twix

37) noodle kugel

38) i haven't eaten a hot dog in 4 years but i remember how the buns get crispy and soft from the hot dog

39) barbecue sauce

40) EVERYTHING 

Unfortunately I have continuously cursed my stomach and will not be able to eat any of these foods for at least a year. What was bad has become worse. I have poisoned myself with gastronomical toxins. All because I wanted to eat a lot of raisins.  You can't always blame the raisins; sometimes you must blame yourself. For you, tuna melt, I blame myself. For you, plain cheese pizza, I blame myself. For you, croissant, I blame myself. Someday we will meet and fall in love. We will look at each other and I will know you are the one to take away my misery and complete me, and I will eat you, and I will want more, and I will eat more, and I will live my life like a normal person. I suppose I am too young to marry, and this is why I haven't healed.

MY FAVORITE QUOTES ABOUT LENTILS

1) "This tiny nutritional giant fills you up -- not out." - whfoods.com

2)"Magnesium is Nature's own calcium channel blocker. When enough magnesium is around, veins and arteries breathe a sigh of relief and relax... Want to literally keep your heart happy? Eat lentils." - whfoods.com

3)"The optical lens is named after the lentil (Latin: lens), whose shape it resembles." -wikipedia.

Conclusion: Lentils are a stress-reliever and they predate eyes.

So many types, hard to choose just one. Like shoes for your body.

Dedicated to Jacob Kinkler, man who loved lentils.

THE HOLE STORIES: EPISODE ONE, THE DARK CRYSTAL

VERY RECENTLY, a doctor stuck his finger into my butt hole while chit-chatting about ancient poetry - Catullus, a Roman, an eroticist, an admirer of young boys, a lover of flesh and hot buns and pizza. It was probably the least medical of all medical visits I have ever had (a discussion of Grey's Anatomy at the gynecologist runs a close second), furthered by the fact that he then, after practicing the ancient Greek gift-giving art of xenia and offering me a paper towel with which to wipe the medical-grade lubricant off of my chicken nuggets, Classicist that he is, brought me into his study for a tour of many a Puerto Rican tribal figurine, ye olde leather-bound book, and a computer labtop designed for poor children. We fondled those smooth, worn spines of the Negro Spiritual; you might be familiar with its most common quotation: "The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone." I certainly never knew its origins, but now I know how to cite it in a paper and thus avoid accusations of plagiarism. The doctor and I reminisced about our days spent reciting ancient Greek, my doctor's cut short by his foray into the medical profession, mine by my complete lack of interest in both the language and anything that is remotely difficult. Here is some "verse" from Catullus: 

A Rebuke: to Aurelius and Furius

I'll fuck you and bugger you,

Aurelius the pathic, and sodomite Furius,

who thought you knew me from my verses,

since they're erotic, not modest enough.

It suits the poet himself to be dutifully chaste,

his verses not necessarily so at all:

which, in short then, have wit and good taste

even if they're erotic, not modest enough,

and as for that can incite to lust,

I don't speak to boys, but to hairy ones

who can't move their stiff loins.

You, who read all these thousand kisses,

you think I'm less of a man?

I'll fuck you, and I'll bugger you.

THIS SHOULD not have come as a surprise. The doctor's decor, styled after the tomb of an eccentric urban pharoah, elicits immediate Scooby-Doo ears. Safari animal wallpaper in the examining room. A scale made in 1920, when the concept of body weight was still so pure and untarnished by celebrity. A tiny examining table, no bigger than an industrial cutting board, pushed to the side of the room as an afterthought. Manuscripts lay unfurled on his old mahogany desk, probably bought at auction, from a retired slave ship. Five pairs of glasses, for reading many books, ink and quill for writing many letters, and more honorary degrees than Bill Cosby. Aversion of eye contact. Unplaceable but probably either Boston or Southern accent. Embroidered wall-hangings of tender but creepy messages, olden day adages far outdated by the invention of eCards. Excessive quotation of pre-war (which one?) naval medicine. An unfriendly receptionist who either speaks Russian or has a terrible mumble. And as we shook hands to bid adieu, I whispered softly into his furry ear, "Doctor, do you have anything medical to tell me?" I assume he was slightly aroused because he turned around as if he hadn't heard me, and wandered into his office without so much as a peep.

BUTT THE story goes on. In a sad attempt to insert his finger into my rectum one more time, Doctor diagnosed me with Charcot-Leyden Crystals, which any naval fool knows indicate protozoan presence dating back to the English naval ships, in 80-85% of all cases, dealt with in isolation, with biscuits, with worms in them, scurvy. He was in the navy himself (country?), he said, and once, since you're interested in comedy, he said, here's a story of how, once, he proposed to his wife in a Catholic church, but there was a drunk, so they went to a Jewish synagogue where, surprise surprise, there was not a drunk, and then they got married. His wife is a wonderful woman, since you didn't ask, and she binds leather books, but his son, well he was a great student and took graduate school classes while he was still an undergraduate. This is what butt crystals look like:

They are in me, just like Leyden is a city in the Netherlands, 

and also the name of a girl who went to Vassar College.

THIS HOLE story (pun intended) is just a lead-up the real reason for this post: when I was in 5th grade, I planned to enter the Science Fair at Franklin Elementary School with a project entitled "Sugar Krystals." I spent weeks hatching these krystals in my backyard to exact precision according to a children's playbook. Then, on the day of the science fair, when I was to win the blue ribbon and then get a cake to celebrate, my mom brought the krystals to the cafeteria, slipped on a parasite, and shattered our chances at buying a cake. Talk about ironic! 

HOWEVER, just as you prayed this story would end, it goes on. My mom is a great woman. She is a hero, too, and plus she bakes. Naked. When I was little she told me that she loved her children so much that she would give them the shirt off her back. (I have called her out on this many times since, mainly at N*SYNC concerts.) Anyway, she came home, hatched out a sham of fake krystals (kubic zarcodius) in the breezy jiff of an hour, and I got some color ribbon that I don't even remember, heck maybe even blue, and if so my mom probably bribed the other mom who was playing judge. The point is that afterwards we probably dined at Hamburger Hamlet as celebration, then ate cake, licorice, cream cheese brownies, peppermint ice cream, hot dogs, and spaghetti for dessert, laughing about how brilliantly young we were and how ironic life was and still is to this very day, and we were doing it as a family. And at the end of the day, I don't think I'm crazy in saying "THAT'S WHAT COUNTS." 

AMEN.

LADY SNOOK'S DREAM JOURNAL

Our dear LADY SNOOK has again graced us with her blog presence with this intriguing insight into her dream journal. Read, enjoy, but refrain from your psychoanalysis. It will only give you a headache/night shivers.

This dream was in a land with weird creatures, but also in a setting like that street down to the PCH and a cross-country course. There were kids running by and this other woman and I had to hand them strips and page protectors. We did this so we knew that they had gone by. One kid needed to put a like 500 page report into page protectors. There was a rush of kids at one point and we got a hugh overload. Then this jeep was backing out of its driveway on a hill and the person in charge had to move an orange cone with caution tape that was protecting a hole. Two other people and I got on an elevated ground to be out of the way, but when the car backed out, we fell into an olive oil preserve but were cushioned by pineapples and sand. A dinosaur-like creature with massive eyes and rainbow/white furry hair all over told us not to go hear this other creature's territory that we had spotted in a HUGE lake. We put our feet in the water. Two more of the creatures appeared in these little caves/homes. One was playing cards with a baby and the other was watching tv. We jumped into a wet cave and were gone. 

Great stuff! Remember, if you EVER have a dream or fantasy that you want at least two other people (myself) to know about, here's the place to post it. Bye! (to myself)

FOODS MY PARASITES HAVE DREAMS ABOUT

all of these foods are served exclusively at restaurants that do not serve parasites, hence i do not eat them now nor have i for probably the past two years, since my original parasite Appallonia and now my two new ones, Brother Bear and Sister Bear, can't get service for the life of them at these establishments. this post is self-serving, but i guess that's nothing new.

1. peanut butter on a spoon, an apple, ants on a log, or in a PB&J sandwich

2. almond butter, cashew butter, almonds, cashews, apricot jelly

3. bagel - onion or pumpernickel with scallion cream cheese

4. bagel - with lox, eggs, and onions

5. bagel - toasted to a crisp with peanut butter and honey (or PB and honey on wheat toast)

6. bagel - with lox, tomato, purple onion, cream cheese, and capers

7. scrambled eggs, egg salad sandwich

8. biscuits

9. curly fries, onion rings, chicken tenders with ranch and BBQ sauce

10. a hot messy veggie burger

11. english muffing with melted munchee cheese

12. grilled cheese - gruyere on la brea bread, with tons of ketchup

13. vanilla milkshake

14. peanut punch

15. cookies and cream

16. strawberry banana smoothie

17. tina's chocolate cake

18. bean, cheese, and sour cream burrito

19. hamburger or cheeseburger, on a buttermilk roll

20. chicken parm or tuna from Bay Cities, or tuna from The Farms, or tuna melt from The Daily Grill served with shoestring fries, turkey with coleslaw on rye from The Farms

21. frozen yogurt

22. turkey bacon

23. Real Food Daily club sandwich with avocado

24. cornbread

25. waffles with strawberries and whipped cream

26. banana pancakes with tons of syrup, gooey and hot

27. an entire cake that has the consistency of cupcakes

28. rainbow sherbet ice cream cake from Baskin-Robbins, or a mint chocolate chip or cookies n cream ice cream cake, or a polar pizza with either of those flavors

29. ice cream sundae with hot chocolate

30. mudslide brownie sundae, possibly with sliced bananas

31. falafel with tzatziki on pita with onions and tomato

32. mozzarella cheese

33. Greek yogurt with honey

34. coffee ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

35. foccachia

36. gnocchi

37. ravioli with spinach and goat cheese (Rosti)

38. Cafe Brasil

39. In N Out

40. caesar salad

41. salad with currants, pine nuts, and raspberry vinagrette

42. pineapple upside down cake

43. Bagel Nosh hash browns

44. potato pancakes with applesauce and sour cream

45. tomago

46. avocado roll

47. rice (brown or white)

48. miso soup

49. mu shu with pancake and plum dipping sauce

50. low mein

51. peanut sauce

52. tofu

53. pad thai

54. mee krab

55. samosa

56. macaroni and cheese (child sized portion)

57. ostrich burger

58. pomegranate juice

59. hummus

60. salsa, guacamole, tamale

61. a ripe pear, a ripe mango

62. a slice of watermelon

63. a single bite of: a pickle dipped in ketchup, garlic bread, one single grape, one sip of root beer, cream soda, or orange soda

i think that pretty much covers it. feel free to vote on your favorites!